


the receipts

by JulietRose



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Asexual Alana, Bi Jared, Friendship, Gay Connor, Gay Evan, Humor, M/M, don't hide the creator style it won't work, excessive emoji use, group chats, teen rating for sexual innuendo explicit language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulietRose/pseuds/JulietRose
Summary: Just random excerpts from the group chat.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 43
Kudos: 115





	1. enneagrams

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [How to Make iOS Text Messages on AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845) by [CodenameCarrot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodenameCarrot/pseuds/CodenameCarrot), [La_Temperanza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/La_Temperanza/pseuds/La_Temperanza). 



> -if you have creator's style hidden you won't be able to read this  
> -better on mobile ao3  
> -evan is the blue messages

**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to **whats up my names jared im 17 and i never fucking learned how to function**  
Zoe  
you okay there?  
Jared  
<https://bit.ly/3ezQvlQ>  
Alana  
Enneagrams?  
Jared  
humor me  
Is this gonna be like the zodiac thing?  
Jared  
astrology is real but also no this has research  
Jared  
might help you with ur therapy evan  
Connor  
are you being a dick kleinman?  
Jared  
no dick my friend just dead ass  
Zoe  
I got type 3  
Alana  
It says I'm a Type 1.  
Connor  
4  
9?  
Jared  
yep all of these check out  
<https://bit.ly/2zPfGC3>  
Zoe  
what are you?  
Jared  
7  
Alana  
This is actually really interesting!  
Connor  
evan's sitting here reading his description with an increasingly furrowed brow  
Jared  
makes sense that evans a 9 since hes everyones favorite  
Zoe  
loll true  
Jared  
tbh it's more fun to read friends descriptions than ur own  
for example: "Nines may even enjoy the emotional storms and dramas that Fours occasionally get into, feeling that it adds spice to their life.”  
Connor  
where the fuck is that  
Jared  
scroll to the bottom nd it says compatibility  
**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to **tree boi ❤️ spicy boi**  
Connor  
your description basically just says you're hyperactive and you don't know what you want  
Jared  
checks out  
Zoe  
holy fuck the 9/4 compatibility page  
it literally says soul mates  
“Both can be tender-hearted and highly sympathetic to the suffering that they find in the world and in each other.”  
GAG  
Connor  
yours says you're an attention whore so  
Zoe  
well that's not news  
Jared  
same zo  
Connor  
“Threes and Sevens both feel the pressure to be ‘fabulous’ and perfect all of the time.”   
Jared  
hey zoe do u think it's a result of being overshadowed by our siblings?  
Zoe  
oh definitely  
Connor  
low blow  
Alana  
Reading the levels of development is super interesting!  
That's what I'm doing. Interesting but also worrying.  
Alana  
You reading Connor's?  
Yep.  
Connor  
...  
:/  
okay fair  
but i'm not unhealthy anymore...  
Alana  
You're definitely at a 1-3 now, Connor.  
Connor  
thanks lana  
**Zoe Murphy** changed the group name to **connor murphy defense squad**  
Wasn't that the group name like a week ago?  
**Connor Murphy** changed the group name to **evan has "tremendous elemental power and personal magnetism"**  
Wth is "elemental power"?  
Connor  
does that h stand for heck  
Maybe  
Connor  
i love you so heckin much  
Zoe  
GAG  
**Evan Hansen** changed the group name to **Zoe Murphy Hits On Me When She's Drunk**  
**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to **everyone hits on evan when they're drunk**  
Alana  
🧐  
**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to **everyone hits on evan when they're drunk except asexuals**  
Zoe  
and lesbians  
Nope I've definitely been hit on by drunk lesbians.  
Jared  
u do have feminine features  
😑  
Jared  
im talkin abt ur ass  
Yeah, I got that.  
**Connor Murphy** changed the group name to **🍑**  
Jared  
evan is depriving half the population of his ass by being gay  
That's not how any of this works.  
And even if I were bi i still wouldn't be single.  
Connor  
im the only one that gets that sweet ass  
🤦🏼  
Zoe  
how is it that you two getting together was simultaneously the worst and best thing that ever happened  
Alana  
Because you got Connor back and real friends out of it, but you are also forced to think about your brother's sex life on a daily basis?  
Zoe  
yeah thanks lana.  
Alana  
No problem!  
But why are we always talking about my sex life?  
Alana  
Because 3/4 of the chat is sexually attracted to you and none of them try to hide it  
Connor  
i should be more annoyed by that but i know that none of you pose a threat  
"a threat"  
I feel like a piece of meat.  
Zoe  
You'd make a great woman then.  
I'll keep that in mind.  
Jared  
youve already got the ass  
Alana  
If Evan transitioned would he then be straight?  
Connor  
yeah?  
Zoe  
I guess so?  
Jared  
lmao evan being straight  
it just sounds wrong  
I thought I was straight for 17 years.  
Jared  
but u werent  
u were just innocent and pure  
connors dick fixed that  
Connor  
evan is still pure  
he just asked me why i changed the group name to a peach  
he asked me if i wanted a peach  
Zoe  
oh my sweet jesus  
:(  
Jared  
YEAH YOU WANNA EAT HIS PEACH  
Connor  
you're not wrong  
??????  
Alana  
Don't worry about it Evan.  
I don't want to google it. Would you tell me if it were bad?  
Alana  
I would tell you if it were any worse than anything else they say.  
:/  
Somehow that doesn't make me feel better.  
**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to **🍆🍑**  
Eggplant????  
Jared  
LOL  
**Zoe Murphy** changed the group name to **enough**  
Thanks  
Zoe  
It was not completely selfless.  
...  
**Evan Hansen** changed the group name to **🌻**  
Connor  
jfc you're so fucking cute  
Jared  
u don't deserve him murphy  
Connor  
trust me i know  
Zoe  
Not a tree?  
I didn't wanna be bullied.  
**Connor Murphy** changed the group name to **🌳**  
🥰  
Connor  
😘  
Jared  
such 9/4s  
Zoe  
fuck enneagrams what emoji would u be  
Jared  
🥓  
Connor  
you're jewish???  
Jared  
it's ~iRoNiC~  
Connor  
jfc  
🌳  
Obviously.  
Connor  
🌶  
spicy  
Jared  
LMAO  
Alana  
💯  
Zoe  
⭐️  
Can I propose 💩 for Jared?  
Jared  
WAT  
Connor  
lmao  
Zoe  
no no that's perfect!  
shit but in like a good way  
cos of the happy face  
She gets it.  
Connor  
it kinda looks like him too loll  
Jared  
i wanna be offended but  
ur so right oh my god  
Alana  
Ironically, these all align with our enneagrams.  
**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to **🌳🌶⭐️💯💩**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drop ur enneagram in the comments (first link for test, second to read about the types)
> 
> i’m a 2


	2. heart emojis

**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to  
**favorite heart emoji go**  
Zoe  
💖  
Alana  
💜  
Connor  
🖤  
💙  
  
Jared  
thank u for participating in this survey  
Zoe  
wait what's yours?  
Jared  
i never have reason to use a heart emoji  
Zoe  
:(  
:(  
  
Connor  
:(  
Alana  
:(  
**Zoe Murphy** changed the group name to  
**💖 we love jared kleinman 💖**  
💙💙💙  
Alana  
💜💜💜  
Connor  
🖤🖤🖤  
💩  
EVAN JUST HIT ME WITH A PILLOW  
Zoe  
good.  
Connor  
ABUSE  
Jared  
haha he loves me more than u  
Connor  
false  
i get red hearts  
Alana  
Does the color matter?  
Zoe  
just the red ones  
Alana  
Does Evan know that?  
Just because I don't get the eggplant thing doesn't mean I don't get all the emojis.  
Alana  
Fair enough.  
I'm gonna google eggplant emoji meaning.  
Connor  
NO!  
Zoe  
NO!  
Jared  
NO!  
Alana  
Please don't.  
I djowkovkp  
Connor  
don't worry guys i've taken his phone  
Zoe  
thank god  
Jared  
that was a close one  
Alana  
He would only be disappointed.  
**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to  
**keep evan hansen pure patrol**  
I promised not to google it.  
Connor can't be in a group named that.  
Jared  
OHMYFUCKINGOD  
😊  
Zoe  
how the fuck can u say things like that and still be cute  
Connor  
a question i ask daily  
Jared  
it's the twink energy  
it's too powerful  
Alana  
🙄  
Connor  
alana is the only sane one and it's because she's immune to evan's energy.  
**Zoe Murphy** changed the group name to  
**asexuals and twinks are too powerful**  
Alana  
Hey Evan let's go take over the world.  
I'm in.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: ur fave heart emoji is ur brand.
> 
> mine is 💝


	3. pick ur socks up kids

[](https://66.media.tumblr.com/3461df44c8261617d34a8eb2211af735/cd9b83c9df5c9716-e4/s640x960/a3032bd8ad52522972c8d11f786c0e883cb3074d.jpg)  
I'm resorting to public shaming.  
Connor  
oh my god seriously  
JUST PICK YOUR SOCKS UP  
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S SO DIFFICULT  
Zoe  
lmao mom and I are dying  
welcome to the last 18 years of my life evan  
Jared  
for once i'm on connor's side  
they're just socks  
No they're DIRTY socks.  
That I'm apparently expected to pick up.  
Connor  
i said i'd pick them up  
BUT THEN YOU DIDN'T  
Connor  
you haven't given me a chance to yet!  
Do you know how long these have been here?  
Connor  
...  
Jared  
oh shit  
TWO WEEKS  
Alana  
Connor...  
Connor  
ugh i read that in your voice lana  
ARE YOU READING THIS IN MY VOICE  
Connor  
yes but unfortunately for you you're adorable when you're angry  
Oh my god...  
Zoe  
just don't have sex with him until he starts picking his socks up  
But then I'm punishing myself too.  
Jared  
yeah only girls can hold onto the sex card  
speaking as someone who's been in relationships with both men and women  
Zoe  
I want the science behind that.  
Jared  
women are stronger and better at everything. end of report.  
Zoe  
lol fair  
Alana  
Connor, I understand that you aren't personally bothered by your socks on the floor, but your partner is. You know Evan likes things organized and you know the reasons for that (anxiety, OCD, etc). I've seen you make sacrifices and adjustments for him before and this is no different from that— even if that's not as obvious on the surface. I know you love him and you're willing to do anything for him. All he is asking you to do is pick up after yourself a bit more— for his own peace of mind, and so that he doesn't feel like your mother.  
Jared  
damn.  
Zoe  
damn.  
Connor  
damn.  
Jared  
this proves my point about women being better at everything  
I wanna go live with Alana.  
Zoe  
no you can't. you'd be too powerful together.  
He picked up his socks.  
Thanks, Lana.  
Alana  
Anytime!  
Hey and let me know whenever you get around to reading those plans I sent you about world domination.  
Of course.  
Jared  
i honestly can't be sure they're joking...  
Zoe  
connor better keep picking his socks up if he wants to be safe under their new regime  
Connor  
"Hey, Connor, how'd you end up in prison when your boyfriend and your best friend are running the world?"  
**Jared Kleinman** changed the group name to **pick ur socks up kids**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> worst habit of yours or your partner go


	4. no one's getting married in their 20s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -connor is blue in the first part and then switches back to normal

**Connor Murphy** created a group with **Zoe Murphy, Alana Beck,** and **Jared Kleinman**  
so  
Jared  
you realize if you leave evan we're all choosing him right  
how dare you  
Alana  
I wouldn't choose sides, just for the record.  
Zoe  
same. but only bc connor's my brother.  
love you too sis  
Jared  
you are all disloyal to evan and im telling him about this immediately  
wait no stop!  
also side note let's never talk about me and evan breaking up ever again  
i'm lowkey freaking out right now  
Zoe  
Do I need to come in there?  
Jared  
shit sorry  
i'm fine  
ANYWAY  
[](https://66.media.tumblr.com/85e4ddf12961e3940c2edda5d12f3559/80a8f70ba523948b-b6/s1280x1920/a1c66238225af3a213acd3c571ca1f325e372cd6.png)  
  
Jared  
WHAT THE FUCK  
Alana  
Oh my God, Connor! That's so exciting!  
ZOE STOP SCREAMING  
I DON'T WANT MOM TO KNOW SHUT UP  
Jared  
WHAT THE FUCK  
we're like 23 how did this happen  
oh my god everyone is gonna start getting married now aren't they  
and i'm still single  
i'm gonna die alone with six cats  
i don't even like cats  
Alana  
Jared, calm down. No one is getting married in their 20's anymore except Evan and Connor, and they've been together for six years.  
if he says yes  
Zoe  
OF COURSE HE'S GONNA SAY YES WTF  
Jared  
yeah you two have been talking about getting married since like day one why are you being weird about this  
I DON'T KNOW  
IT'S STILL LIKE A BIG DEAL  
I STILL HAVE TO LIKE ACTUALLY ASK HIM AND I'M DEFINITELY GONNA FUCK IT UP AND THEN HE'S GONNA REALIZE THAT ACTUALLY HE COULD DO A LOT FUCKING BETTER THAN ME  
ALSO THIS ISN'T WHY I STARTED THIS GROUP CHAT  
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE RING IS IT WEIRD????  
Jared  
zoe go to your brother  
Zoe  
on my way  
Alana  
I think Evan will love that ring. It's very him.  
Jared  
i think you could give evan a ring pop and he'd still say yes  
Zoe  
lmao guys  
connor told our dad he's planning on proposing and larry gave him a big speech about treating evan well  
Jared  
damn right  
i'm glad larry and i are on the same page  
Alana  
Why did you tell your dad?  
...  
he's the only person i know who's proposed before  
Jared  
oh my god  


* * *

* * *

**Evan Hansen** changed the group name to **I HAVE NEWS**  
HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT  
Jared  
murphy proposed?  
:(  
Zoe  
oh my god jared don't be a dick  
How did you guys know?  
Zoe  
there might be a second group chat  
:/  
Zoe  
connor started it last time we were all home for the holidays and has been periodically using it to rant about proposing and worry about whether you were going to say yes  
Well, that's cute  
Zoe  
we all kind of stopped answering him though  
Connor  
THEY'VE ALL BEEN REAL DICKS ABOUT IT ACTUALLY  
Zoe  
WE WEREN'T AT FIRST  
THERE'S ONLY SO MANY TIMES WE CAN TELL YOU YOU'RE BEING STUPID  
I typed the words "Evan loves you" so many times I was doing it in my sleep.  
Connor  
talk to me when you've proposed to someone  
Alana  
Congratulations, you guys! I'm so happy for you! You both have come so far in these last six years and it's honestly so inspiring. If marriage is for anyone, it's for you two. You make each other better.  
😊😊😊  
Thank you, Alana. You're my favorite.  
Connor  
excuse me.  
I am your betrothed.  
Alana  
I feel like I've been blessed.  
Jared  
WAIT NO  
I HAVE TO BE UR FAVORITE COS I'M GONNA BE BEST MAN  
Guess you should have thought of that earlier.  
Connor  
😂😂😂  
ANYWAY  
[](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b8/4f/5e/b84f5e001676f978852a6b4f45ad0106.jpg)  
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED  
Connor  
jfc you're so cute  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone’s favorite is evan and evan’s favorite changes based on who is being the nicest to him. but it’s usually connor. unless he hasn’t picked his socks up.


	5. prettier

Zoe  
I'm on my period and I've decided to be hormonal.  
Jared  
she says diplomatically  
Zoe  
This is about you, Kleinman.  
Jared  
oh shit  
Is this why Connor showed up at my house at 8am?  
Zoe  
i yelled at him for making pancakes and not crepes  
Connor  
actually she cry-yelled which is worse  
strap in kleinman  
Jared  
but what did i do  
Zoe  
you're bi  
Jared  
??????????????  
and??????????????  
Zoe  
And you're always flirting with Connor and Evan but not me and I'm offended.  
Do you think they're prettier than me??  
Connor  
oh my god  
Jared  
connor ur gonna have to tell me how to respond to this  
Connor  
but where's the fun in that?  
clearly she's right  
and i am prettier than her so  
Zoe  
I'M GONNA KILL YOU  
Connor  
you know i'm kidding  
but ev is def prettier than you sry  
evan is prettier than all of us  
Jared  
everyone*  
Zoe  
SEE?!  
I want it on record that I think Zoe is prettier than me.  
Jared  
ur already everyone's favorite evan shut up  
Connor  
but you think i'm prettier than her though right??  
Why would you ask that when your sister is clearly upset.  
Zoe  
It's okay, Evan. You're allowed to think Connor is prettier than me.  
bc ur gay  
KLEINMAN ON THE OTHER HAND  
Jared  
im sorry do u WANT me to flirt with u??  
cos i can do that  
Connor  
tread carefully  
Zoe  
I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY FLIRTATION  
Can we really call what Jared says "flirting"?  
It's more like thinly veiled innuendo than anything else.  
If it's not just outright explicit.  
Connor  
yeah no it's one thing to say that shit to my boyfriend but not my little sister  
Zoe  
NO DON'T GIVE HIM AN EXCUSE  
if he's willing to say it to your boyfriend than he'd be willing to say it to me  
Jared  
she's right it has nothing to do with being afraid of connor  
Zoe  
I KNEW IT  
Jared  
it has everything to do with the fact that i'm a FEMINIST and i RESPECT you as a WOMAN  
Zoe  
...  
Jared  
i hear the shit guys say to you at school zo  
why tf would u want me to say that too?  
Zoe  
:(  
ur right im sorry  
Jared  
also ur obviously prettier than ur brother wtf kind of question is that  
Hey.  
Connor  
it's funny that you didn't say she's prettier than evan  
Jared  
well...  
they're like different KINDS of pretty  
Connor  
yeah evan is the prettier kind  
ohmygod  
Zoe  
ok i might be hormonal but i'm not crazy. i know i'm not prettier than evan.  
Jared  
but no one is  
Alana  
Hey, Zoe, we're synced up!  
Zoe  
omg do you wanna come over and eat icecream and watch reality tv with me???  
Alana  
Sure!  
Jared  
can i come?  
Zoe  
only if you buy the icecream  
Jared  
deal.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kind of lowkey ship jared/zoe but like on the dl. i read one really good fic w it and now it's stuck in my head. but i've never written it and this def doesn't count lol. i know most people ship her with alana but idk i always hc lana as ace bc she reminds me of my best friend.


	6. an icon

Connor  
[](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a5/42/1e/a5421e01889d77c3738634f16bf43a69.jpg)  
twink energy intensifies  
Jared  
ARE THOSE JORTS AND TUBE SOCKS  
Zoe  
he's a fashion icon.  
I hate all of you.  
Alana  
?  
Not you, Lana.  
Alana  
:)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried to write earlier today but it turned into angst and that's not what i want this to be abt so she got deleted.
> 
> go read [A Sudden Obliteration of Expectation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24356497/chapters/58735132)
> 
> engage with me in comments here and there. i'm v lonely in quarantine.


	7. interdependent*

**Connor Murphy** changed the group name to **i'm dying**  
Zoe  
you're so dramatic  
Jared  
codependent*  
Connor  
interdependent*  
Jared  
interdependence implies that evan is also dying rn  
**Evan Hansen** changed the group name to **I'm also dying.**  
Connor  
ha  
Jared  
jfc  
Alana  
You guys will get through this.  
But will we?  
Zoe  
omfg  
it's only one week  
Connor  
one week too many  
I've decided I'm quitting my job.  
I don't need it.  
Connor  
i can support us  
we still have my trust fund  
Jared  
omfg  
Zoe  
your parents would kill you both  
We're grown ups.  
Jared  
r u tho?  
Connor  
ev pls come home  
:(  
Alana  
Connor, do not enable this.  
Connor  
bite me lana  
Zoe  
DON'T BE A DICK  
Connor  
I'M SORRY I JUST MISS MY HUSBAND OKAY  
:(((  
I miss you too, Con 😭  
Jared  
jesus christ  
why is this in the group chat  
Connor  
bc i'm lonely  
Zoe  
ohmygod fine we're coming over  
Jared  
"we"?  
Zoe  
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE A DICK EITHER HE MISSES HIS HUSBAND  
Jared  
damn ok  
Alana  
On my way.  
Jared  
b there in 5  
Thank you guys.  
Love you Con ❤️  
Connor  
thanks guys  
love you ev ❤️  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk ev's at a tree conference or smthn


	8. bitmoji

**Zoe Murphy** changed the group name to **i updated my bitmoji**  
Zoe  
[](https://64.media.tumblr.com/acbecb4196d338b315a255c5f7cd2ef8/0a7be1256d528678-f4/s400x600/fda158e339714dead28940b472fbe5419e374311.jpg)  
Jared  
[](https://64.media.tumblr.com/35f283afdf9f549b5a711c05842a50a0/0a7be1256d528678-5f/s400x600/9b38e078bdfce76962c50909fdf868848de26096.jpg)  
Alana  
[](https://64.media.tumblr.com/785688607d4d74141d51d6b4bd2651af/3aa87552c27b025f-1f/s400x600/a89c65d46cd05b4cd9da6d0f24d1902d6d60319d.jpg)  
Connor  
[](https://64.media.tumblr.com/761ed9d3b043a3ab2cdf02dc8c6c5176/726607763453ac7a-ec/s400x600/426d3ac88d95390e31f27d874dfa0676735a337f.jpg)  
[](https://64.media.tumblr.com/7393aaa2a008236ecd481e6802d0d11a/d267454745607815-5e/s400x600/fd7a6e379a85f43a7248f25dff4ce57fb119b73a.jpg)  
Zoe  
thanks fam  
Jared  
what will u do w ur life now  
Zoe  
[](https://64.media.tumblr.com/7c1bfae4301e2368c6a08ee29b8f17b4/0a7be1256d528678-1c/s400x600/be6549976f05ce99090c74f3f0516440ede08e0f.jpg)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unfortunately i only have one phone number so i cannot make bitmojis with more than one of them at a time :(
> 
> this took entirely too long so u better appreciate it. i now have a file labeled 'deh bitmoji' with over 300 images. rip to my storage.
> 
> P.S. I AM SO CLOSE TO BEING DONE WITH PART TWO OF THE SUDDEN OBLITERATION EXPECTATION. i know i could go ahead and start posting but i'm anxious so sry you have to wait until all 8 chapters are written. i'm doing this for your own good.


	9. among us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \\\i'm procrastinating\\\ go read the lost and found

**Author's Note:**

> subscribe for more my dudes


End file.
